my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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