She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
