Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
