I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
