the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
