I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
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