You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
