last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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