But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Randomize
