My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Someone shattered a urinal.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
