1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
