I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
