So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
