he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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