the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
