apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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