If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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