Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
