I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
