A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
