I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
