I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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