I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
