Already got asked if we're dating
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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