I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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