Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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