3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
