His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
