Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
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