This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
