yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
