so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
