So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
