I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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