i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Randomize
