Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
