I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
