i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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