Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
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