Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
