he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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