You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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