Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
