Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
