i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
