my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
