i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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