I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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