I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
