I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
