Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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