i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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