im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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