Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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