The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
